Resentment

Music inspires me so easily. Although today I’ve really been moved in a different way. Today’s blog was only possible after replaying a song I heard at our morning worship service.  The lyrics grabbed me instantly. During the performance, I looked up the song on my phone so I could remember it again. Thank the Lord for smartphones 😉 I’d never heard of the band or the song until now. The band, Mercy Me, created this amazing song “The Hurt and the Healer”. This inspiration lead me to decide I should open up by sharing something very close to my heart. It’s kinda deep, you’ve been forewarned haha

First, here is the link to the video: http://youtu.be/mxqfDs-64I0 and below I’ve written out the lyrics.

~ The Hurt and the Healer ~
Why?
The question that is never far away
But healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
(Chorus)
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
(Chorus)
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
(Chorus)
I’m alive
And even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Resentment is Poison

We always ask why when we don’t understand things. We want answers but don’t always get them. Unfortunately answers don’t always give us closure. I know this a million times over. When we learn the reason for the action, it doesn’t always seem like enough. So again we ask, Why? Each individual person with our infinite differences will never allow us to completely understand another person. Our thoughts, emotions, actions, reasoning…they’re influenced by the many variables provided by our environment, background, the company we keep; I mean the list goes ON! How is it possible for us to ever fully understand why something has happened to us? How do we heal? Pain, deep pain, takes a while to heal. You can’t do it alone. How do I know? Experience…I can only share my experiences and through them can tell you I’m learning to heal thanks to HIM.

I have felt an emptiness from a very early age. I knew I was different. Unfortunately I grew to learn I wasn’t alone. This emptiness was stemmed from not knowing my father or having a father figure in my life. I was raised by a single mother. I have many fond memories that I hold close to me of a particular time period when she was her strongest. I looked up to her. She was beautiful, loving, creative, she was that warm safe place; she was home. From birth until I was about eight years old she was my everything. I didn’t feel empty even though I knew I was different by not having a “daddy” like everyone else. Our lives took a huge turn that year. I watched a distance start to form. The security I’d always had was fading but I didn’t know why. I didn’t have that safe place anymore. She was visibly there but emotionally became detached. It was then that I not only was aware of my difference but I became aware of an unknown emotion. I couldn’t identify it then but I know now that it was Emptiness. I wasn’t alone in this journey. I was joined by my older sister “M”. Although we were together in this journey; we were on two different paths.

“M” is almost 4 years older than me. I can only imagine the depth of the emotions she encountered. We clung to each other through the hard times praying for the sun to shine through the clouds. We fought for attention; affection. We yearned for what everyone else did; to be wanted and loved. We were children, we were lost, and we had no clue what to do during this phase in our lives. I found joy in the new people I met at school. I felt alive when I wasn’t home to face the truth of what my life really encompassed. I learned there was a world that I could escape to. I met other people like me who lived in a single parent home and we bonded. Although I had company, I still had to go home at some point and remember the struggles, the loneliness waiting for me at home. I dreamed of who my father was, that he was searching for me, that he just didn’t know where I was to come see me. I dreamed of all the things I could do in the world when I grew up. I had nothing else to do but dream. The sad part was that I didn’t know how to make those dreams come true. I didn’t know how to start the ball rolling or what to even ask; I was lost. I didn’t make the best decisions. When “M” moved away it was just me and a little sister I didn’t know how to relate to. I had no guidance. Although my mother was present during all this, it felt like she was completely out of the picture. I began meeting the wrong kind of people and my path lead me down a road that left me a prisoner with no control, no resources. This lost naïve girl became a mother a year after graduating high school. This of course took place whilst wearing an elusive pair of “rose colored glasses” all under the false pretense of a future with the father. After learning of my pregnancy he felt he had to pursue a life with another person, not me. I ended up marrying someone else I hardly knew with the hope that I found someone who finally wanted to love me. I struggled for 9 years with the belief that I made my bed and had to lay in it. I reached out to a neighborhood church but had no support from my husband. I learned we could never grow together, that I had settled and become someone I didn’t even know anymore.

I eventually woke up with a newfound strength and a new belief that if you weren’t happy, you needed to make changes. And so I did. I took a deep breath and took a leap of faith praying I’d be able to do this on my own. I was so afraid! I didn’t have a support system; I was all on my own. I was still lost for a number of years but I had two wonderful children who not only gave me this newfound strength but also reminded me of all the dreams I used to have. I knew my mother struggled alone with us. I knew she sacrificed things. I could see she was just as lost as I had been. I was lucky to meet some influential people who helped guide me in the right direction. I wanted to give my children a good life. I had a purpose and it was bigger than me. I sought to surround myself with strong, successful people with a positive influence to keep me on the right track. I was determined. Eight years after I decided to make a change, things started to happen for me. I was eventually blessed to finally find real love; a love with someone who wanted to grow together and grow as a family. I was also blessed to finally meet my father and my new extended family after. I had exhausted my many years of searching only to be the one who was found. I can’t articulate the emotions that followed that event. Although I had many questions, like I mentioned before, we don’t always get answers.  Through my daughter, we were lead to a church that we all felt comfortable with. I learned to look “Up and Above instead of Down and Around”. Our pastor actually used that line in his sermon this morning but he was so right. The sermon was about Resentment. It was like he was speaking right to me. Funny how that happens, huh? I knew I had a lot of resentment in my life because it seemed like I had been dealt a bad hand. Over the last three years of attending this church, I have found peace, understanding, support, and I’m finally healing from all the pain I’d encountered in my life. I can’t say this enough…you can’t heal alone. There have been so many times I tried to make things happen only for it to be swatted away. I have come to believe very deeply that “Things happen for a reason”. We can never know or understand why things happen to us but we have to dig deep in our faith to know that there’s something bigger involved. There’s a plan and we just have to let it happen the way HE planned.

I know patience is hard to endure. There are times you think you’re just not meant to be happy. Goodness do I know all about that!! By the Grace of God I never felt life wasn’t worth it but some days I just felt dead, useless…I questioned my faith and why I was bothering. I questioned if there was even a God! I mean, I clearly fell into short bouts of depression a couple of times, but knew I had to keep marching through what seemed like never ending mud. I didn’t know what was going to happen in my future but I knew deep within my soul that God loved me and was going to pull me through. I know my children were what saved me from going the wrong direction. I can’t possibly explain what that’s like to those who don’t know God or don’t believe in him. Some may feel it’s not realistic to believe in something you can’t see. That’s what Faith is though. Faith, Hope, and Love are my favorite words. They define what has helped me get through the challenges of life. Until you’re rock bottom, at the end of your rope, you may not be able to understand how to open your heart & soul to let HIM in to heal you. It truly is a leap of faith. I have never known happiness the way I do today. I’ve Alive!

Now do you see why the song grabbed me instantly? 😉

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About Julie (thelittletexasturtle)

I'm a full time working mama to 2 active teenagers. I love food!! I love to cook & experiment with recipes. I strive to eat as clean as possible. I love photography, dancing, wine, farmers markets, laughing...LIFE! I enjoy learning as much as I can about nutrition and fitness.
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One Response to Resentment

  1. williamhoop says:

    very interesting, got this blog from the addforums 🙂 will follow with interest! – Will

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